5.10.2010

no pictures

so today was a good day. i didn't read anything, well except for a few pages of the new amish book i got, but i donno if i'm going to finish it, not so much in the mood for that. although i do have ALOT of books waiting for me at the library.

the stress is lessing, or it seems for now. when i stress out, all i want to do is escape the world, really escape the day to day. doesn't really matter what i'm doing as long as im not at home and not dealing with it. i am not a stress eater, i am more of a stress faster ... that's probably why i never did the freshman 15 thing in college, i actually lost 15 lbs. i also know exactly what to eat so that im eating the minimum food stuffs so my blood sugar wont go wacky but i'm still not really eating and im not even trying to do it. nothing sounds appetizing when im like this.

so my latest drug has been reading. i've gotten to the point where it seems like that's all i'm doing, all i really want to do too. steve has this thing where he worries about me when i
stress out, probably has alot to do with the whole heart condition i have (which i can say that i have finally accepted and don't have this secret hatred towards it like i used too). and i will read a book in a day, and then go and grab another one and just start reading it. it a way to escape the stress, and there for not "stress out" so steve is happy. the day goes by and i haven't done a single thing as far as cleaning the house, and have barely spent anytime playing with k and l.

its really bad to be admitting this and i feel guilty but maybe admitting this to the world will help me find a happy medium to this all. its kinda scary when i take a step back and look at what i'm doing from the outside, i can see myself being depressed, stressed out, not really caring what's going on, finding myself escaping into a book, ignoring the world that is happening around me. yeah there is some depression floating around in my family, and its strange to hear the family gossip and think wow i totally understand it. but i wont say that, i do know how to get myself out of it (well except the eating part, really food as no appeal to me other than a source of fuel that i have to need, i just cant make myself eat more than 2 bites) and thats what im working on as of late. today i got most the laundry done, kids went to the park (although that happens most of the time anyway), i actually talked to people at the park, played with kids, and got some scrapping done (art ~ being creative ~ does actually de-stress me). i have a bunch of books waiting for me but i think i can do it.

wow i'm admitting that i'm not perfect. oh i'm really good at giving the appearance that i am just that. drives steve crazy when he realizes that i am putting on a front to everyone, even him ... although he really is pretty good at seeing through it (probably why i married the guy, and love him like i do)

3 comments:

Scrap Candy said...

okay...I am in with you on this escape plan a la thelma & louise. I think the tiredness has made me silly!! But I am right there with you girl...hang in there!

Shel said...

We love ya, girl!

Pam said...

Hey lady, if you ever need to talk...please call me:) I can relate to some of this. Hugs to you, and seriously call if ya need to!